A friend in need… — Lucy Symons

When you find yourself pregnant and then with a new baby, you will also find that you have an enormous amount in common with other women in the same stage of their life as you. As your baby gets older, you may find that the choices you make as parents either bring you closer to those women or cause you to drift further apart. As your babies grow to toddlers, these differences become even more pronounced until you may find that you have little in common at all.

As your child starts playgroup or nursery or reception, again, you are thrown in with potentially another whole group of people at the same stage of their life as you, but not necessarily with that much in common except a child of the same age. Add to this your maternal instinct to protect your own flesh and blood (and there is really nothing quite like it) and you can sometimes create a heady brew which can be quite volatile.

My best advice to you in relation to these friendships is to proceed with caution. Of course you may find a PBF in the school yard, but equally you may find yourself in a situation where your child has not been invited to a party everyone else seems to be going to, or (worse) you are tempted to confront the mother of the bully who has made your child’s life a misery. There is nothing like listening to your defenceless little darling weeping into his spaghetti bolognaise after a hard day at school when his life is being made miserable by another child to fire up even the most calm and rational mother.

The best way to avoid the playground confrontation (and really, I do mean this) is to follow the following steps: Take a big deep breath. The end of the world is probably not heralded by your child being excluded from a party invitation. How vital is this? No, really. You are the adult, try to find a part of you which can behave that way.

Next, I would advise that you volunteer to help in the school if you can. Sometimes what your child tells you about school (“No one plays with me!” “I am always left out of things!”) is not entirely accurate. They may be alone for brief moments, but basically join in to everything on offer, in which case you can set your mind at ease. If you are helping in the classroom (and I mean literally sitting at the back sharpening pencils if that is of assistance to the school) you also get a really good sense of how the teacher works with the kids and how aware she is of what is going on (and most good teachers know exactly which kids to keep an eye on). You also see where your child fits in with their peers. Are they brighter or less able? Sociable or shy? In a group or a loner? And frequently you will reassure yourself that what your child brings home is a very selective view of the actual school experience…

However, if you are worried that something is not right, let’s say you have done the deep breathing, checking that you can behave like an adult and spent the day in the classroom, or several days in the classroom and there really is a problem with another child, do not speak to the child or the child’s parents, speak to the teacher. You are entrusting your child in to the hands of the professionals and as such you must allow them to do their job. Make an appointment to see the teacher and sit down with them calmly and explain your concerns. See what the teacher has to say about it and give the teacher a chance to try to put things right. Explain to your child that the teacher is there to help and encourage your child to have faith in the school system and to speak to the teacher if they need to. Try to keep things in perspective at home, not stressing the incident too much with your child – allow them to bring it up with you if they want to, be led by them.

If the teacher is unable to make a change in the situation, then I would suggest you find the head of year, or the head teacher and have a chat with them. Under no circumstances should you ever speak to the other child, or the other parent about anything you are concerned about in the playground. Even if you know them well and they are friends. I cannot tell you how many fights I have seen in the playground between well meaning mothers misguidedly “protecting” their children. I cannot tell you how unpleasant the resulting fall-out is… remember these are people you have to potentially stand in the playground with for the next 8 years, longer if you have other children as well.

I made the mistake once of stepping in when another mother cornered my daughter in the playground and accused her of bullying, lying about and stealing from her daughter and have lived to regret it, even after her daughter admitted she made the whole thing up. It took weeks for the teachers to resolve and our friendship, tentative and based on convenience though it was, never recovered. She still refuses to speak to me in the playground when I offer her a cheery “hello” and it was three years ago. If I had my time to live over again, I would have taken my daughter out of her firing line, smiled politely and walked away from her. If she had confronted me, I would have changed the subject and made polite cocktail chat about the weather, suggesting that if she has an issue with my child to take it up with the teacher. I would have instructed my daughter to walk away from her if she approached her, and then spoken to the teacher myself before it reached the point of no return. These days, I am not the only person who enters the playground checking to see where it is safe to stand… some others I know have been confronted at their own front door by angry parents, telephoned and emailed, threatened and abused. There was even a case when the police were called to a christening because of an argument over a game of football. It is not worth it! And these are nice, suburban, God fearing middle class parents.

Remember that not everyone is going to like you, or your child for that matter. You are also not going to like everyone and nor is your child. That is the way of the world. Also remember that sometimes people are very odd – perhaps sometimes we are very odd – and that is also the way of the world. Do not place too much importance on the parties, the relationships between the children (they frequently can survive spats in a way that their mothers can’t). Perhaps do not ever place too much importance on any relationships you forge in the playground. They are born out of necessity and function and as such they serve a valuable purpose, but really don’t place too much pressure on them. Be very cautious extending any of these relationships beyond casual as it can be hard to find a way back again. Play-dates for the kids are wonderful, the occasional dinner party with the other parents may be fine, but perhaps taking holidays together may be a recipe for disaster…