Mother knows best

I was working for a lovely lady recently.  She has just had number three.  As I am sure you can imagine she had her hands full.  Her mother in law was staying with her when I first started working as a post-natal doula for her.  The mother in law was a lovely lady, and one day, took me to one side and asked what I thought about the way that the baby was being left on her back to sleep.  Scandalised, the mother in law told me that in her day, they had always been advised to sleep the baby on its side, swapping sides every day to ensure that the skull developed evenly.  What was this baby doing sleeping exclusively on its back!  It would grow up to have a deformed head!  I tried to reassure her that it was now common practice and advised that sleeping on the back was the safest thing for a baby, thankful that she was asking me and not her rather sensitive, post-natal daughter in law.  It did remind me though of a lovely private midwife who told me behind her hand that most babies she had met preferred to sleep on their fronts "but don't quote me!".  She said she always advised mothers to follow their instincts and to “risk it” if their babes preferred sleeping that way.  I am no longer surprised if I find a mother sheepishly showing me a happily sleeping baby lying on its tummy.

As a new mother, you are so vulnerable.  Fresh out of sleep and awash with hormones, you have little idea what you are doing for at least the first six weeks and just being able to have a shower before six pm is a true miracle some days.  To be expected to then make executive decisions for a small person is almost more than some women can bear; and it doesn't always get easier with the more you have.  But to whom should you listen?  Your midwife… who may or  may not be the same person day after day; your health visitor… who may only be available occasionally; your mother or mother in law… who did this all a very long time ago… your friend up the street who knits her own yoghurt?   This same lady had been told by midwives and health visitors and doulas that her baby was tongue tied… but I sat listening as a breast feeding counsellor poo-pooed the whole thing and told her there was nothing wrong with her baby at all.  Now who do you believe?

Breast feeding is such a mine field as well.  How do you know how much milk you are producing?  Where is the gauge to show you if your breast is empty after a feed and full again before one?  How do you know if you are providing your baby with enough?  I would always say trust your instincts.  Believe that you will produce what your baby needs at the time they need it.  Trust that your body can do it and watch.  If you see a very unhappy baby who is failing to thrive, then obviously you may need to rethink.  Generally speaking though, most mothers can breast feed successfully… unless they are stressed out.  What could be more stressful than doubting your own ability?  

Motherhood is a fraught business.  But you can navigate your way through if you trust your own instincts and believe deeply that you will make the best decisions for your baby given the information you have at the time.  Read and speak to people if that helps and in the end, listen to your own heart and do what you think is the best thing.  Every now and again that may involve listening to and even doing what your mother in law suggests.